Heading to study in France and Italy for 2 months this summer.
On the off-chance you make it to the UK here are some tips:
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
"great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should
hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only
between people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two-
or three-hour siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to
oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic
pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and
explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and
forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs
will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the
inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted
anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested,
a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known
as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco
and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way
people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter
realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let
you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84
or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes
it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless
you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out;
the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and
state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to
the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he
know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in
Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there,
ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget
that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called
"bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are
called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only
means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you
must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of
the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in
the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback
to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have
difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say
"Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch
the bumbershoot.)
Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
