Texting etiquette: people who take for-ev-er to respond (or never respond)

[usagora]

I've noticed that a whole lot of people take forever to respond to texts or don't respond at all. Like, well beyond 24 hours. To me, outside of reasonable extenuating circumstances, this is rude. I've had this happen with both friends and family, and both when I've been the one to initiate the text conversation and when the other person was the one to initiate.

A while back, I needed to confirm plans for a Sunday. I texted the guy on a Monday and by Friday had still not heard back, so I texted his wife, and she responded in a timely manner, and said, "Oh, [husband] has been meaning to get back to you." Well, sheesh, why not at least "react" to my text with a thumbs up or a short "will get back to you before Sunday" etc. to let me know you got the message. What does that take, all of 5-10 seconds? [for the record: we all got together that Sunday and had a great time]. In my opinion, it's rude to keep people hanging like that, but it seems many in society think it's acceptable (or they'll apologize, but then never change their future behavior). These seem to be the same people who also show up to events late or at the last minute.

Even my own brother 75% of the time never responds to me, and then when I see him in person he's like, "Oh, yeah, I think I remember getting that from you" as he digs through his texts looking for it 🤦🏼‍♂️ One of his close friends from high school has told me several times he's reached out to him and never hears back. I told him don't take it personally, I'm his own brother and he does me the same way! He does the same thing with our parents too, and it drives them crazy. And, yes, they're also frequently late to family events as well.

Anyway, in summary, it seems 24 hours (and honestly it shouldn't take even that long to at least acknowledge a text) is plenty of time to respond. I'm sure I'm going to get responses in this thread from the people who don't with all kinds of justifications, and I understand there are going to be legitimate justifications from time to time, but I'm talking about people who consistently do this.

 

[adrianlondon]

Read

 

[usagora]

Read

Now, see, that's how you do it 😉

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I've noticed that a whole lot of people take forever to respond to texts or don't respond at all. Like, well beyond 24 hours. To me, outside of reasonable extenuating circumstances, this is rude. I've had this happen with both friends and family, and both when I've been the one to initiate the text conversation and when the other person was the one to initiate.

A while back, I needed to confirm plans for a Sunday. I texted the guy on a Monday and by Friday had still not heard back, so I texted his wife, and she responded in a timely manner, and said, "Oh, [husband] has been meaning to get back to you." Well, sheesh, why not at least "react" to my text with a thumbs up or a short "will get back to you before Sunday" etc. to let me know you got the message. What does that take, all of 5-10 seconds? [for the record: we all got together that Sunday and had a great time]. In my opinion, it's rude to keep people hanging like that, but it seems many in society think it's acceptable (or they'll apologize, but then never change their future behavior). These seem to be the same people who also show up to events late or at the last minute.

Even my own brother 75% of the time never responds to me, and then when I see him in person he's like, "Oh, yeah, I think I remember getting that from you" as he digs through his texts looking for it 🤦🏼‍♂️ One of his close friends from high school has told me several times he's reached out to him and never hears back. I told him don't take it personally, I'm his own brother and he does me the same way! He does the same thing with our parents too, and it drives them crazy. And, yes, they're also frequently late to family events as well.

Anyway, in summary, it seems 24 hours (and honestly it shouldn't take even that long to at least acknowledge a text) is plenty of time to respond. I'm sure I'm going to get responses in this thread from the people who don't with all kinds of justifications, and I understand there are going to be legitimate justifications from time to time, but I'm talking about people who consistently do this.

Etiquette for the age of social media and (modern) phones is still evolving, and agreed norms and forms of behaviour and conduct have yet to develop and become accepted.

Anyway, to my mind, firstly, it depends on the context of the text. If it is professional, or something (or someone) that really engages me, I will respond in a timely manner.

And, secondly, it also depends on who has sent it.

My third point - as a general observation - is that I think our personal skills (mine certainly) - as in skills of dealing with others - regressed during Covid. Distance and solitude and lack of a social life may all have contributed to this.

Nevertheless, personally, I tend to react rather negatively to the thought that someone is signalling that they demand (or expect) a reply within a stated period of time, especially if this is a personal call, and not a professional one; this is the text equivalent to a "read receipt", and, yes, I will bristle at this, and will most certainly react in - if not a negative, then, a non-positive manner.

At the very least, if it is not vitally important, - a family death, or a relative or friend ill, or in a spot of bother - for example, - or, of compelling interest, I will not meet - quite deliberately - such a deadline. To me, this resembles a controlling mindset, - imposing an arbitrary timetable that I have not consented to - and I will push back against that in my private life; if someone wants me to respond rapidly, they had better have a compelling reason to ask this of me.

In fact, I am not tethered - in my personal, private life - to my mobile phone (cell phone), and very often, do not consult it daily, and I rarely take it with me when I am out and about; abroad, when deployed abroad, working, this is a different matter, and I am expected to have my phone to hand and to be easily contactable; but that does not apply - at all - to my private life.

Now, while texts are better than phone calls, sometimes, emails better than both.

 

[T'hain Esh Kelch]

Multiple days for a text reply, sure slightly rude. And even then, many of us have a busy life and forget about things. Less than a couple of days, no way, not rude at all. Texts are not required to be a mandatory conversation. If you want a reply now, then call.

 

[maflynn]

A while back, I needed to confirm plans for a Sunday. I texted the guy on a Monday and by Friday had still not heard back, so I texted his wife, and she responded in a timely manner, and said, "Oh, [husband] has been meaning to get back to you."

Why not just call him?

I think immediate needs ought to be done using other means, i.e., calling him/her. Why sit there stewing and getting frustrated when picking up the phone and calling him/her will solve the issue

 

[cthompson94]

I think it is because it is easy to see the message and then it is labeled as read (whether or not you have the read reciepts turned on). I think most of the time if you saw the message and could respond to whatever be it a casual response, a direct reply, an answer etc. you would. Unfortunately if you are busy or accidently click the message and cannot respond in that moment it can be pretty easy to kind of forget of course not on purpose. I am highly guilty of this, I would be the "bad texter" because of what I just wrote before I had a busy job, kid, wife, any other stuff I would text back rather quickly when it was just myself the only time it was hard to reach me was when I was working out mainly due to just staying off my phone. Now I can easily click on a received message and begin a reply, but my child need something or ask something and since to me texting is already an informal means of communication my priority goes to who is talking to me directly as this goes the same way for while I am on the phone then unless it is an emergency let me wrap up what the call was about and I will go from there.

 

[maflynn]

and begin a reply, but my child need something or ask something and since to me texting is already an informal means o

For me, I'm busy at work, and I generally don't want to distract from my focus, and then by the end of the day, its no longer in the forefront of my mind. I actually put on DND and so I'll be unaware of texts

 

[usagora]

Nevertheless, personally, I tend to react rather negatively to the thought that someone is signalling that they demand (or expect) a reply within a stated period of time . . .

I make no such signals. I'm complaining about it here, but I don't make an issue about it with the "offenders" themselves.

Multiple days for a text reply, sure slightly rude. And even then, many of us have a busy life and forget about things. Less than a couple of days, no way, not rude at all. Texts are not required to be a mandatory conversation. If you want a reply now, then call.

Most people are busy. 5-10 seconds for at least a short acknowledgement is not exactly asking you to grind your day to a halt. Calling is much more intrusive--thus why texting exists. I wouldn't call unless it's an emergency. And as someone who calls people all day at work, many people don't answer or return voicemails anyway.

Why not just call him?

I think immediate needs ought to be done using other means, i.e., calling him/her. Why sit there stewing and getting frustrated when picking up the phone and calling him/her will solve the issue

See above. Also, I made it pretty clear I'm not demanding an immediate response. 24 hours (give or take) in order to respond with something is an extremely reasonable expectation.

For me, I'm busy at work, and I generally don't want to distract from my focus, and then by the end of the day, its no longer in the forefront of my mind. I actually put on DND and so I'll be unaware of texts

So you don't look at your missed notifications at some point after work? That's when you'd respond. Like I said, I totally understand that not everyone is going to be able to immediately reply, nor would I ever expect that.

I've been guilty of forgetting to reply to a text multiple times in the past, but I'm always very apologetic about it when I do respond, and this is not my habitual behavior. I'm complaining about people who do this literally all the time, not just once in a while. Big difference.

 

[Analog Kid]

A text doesn't mean I need to do something in return. You can't just tickle my devices and somehow obligate me to action.

Not getting back to someone who you've decided to make plans with is rude whether it's by text or carrier pigeon-- not that I haven't unintentionally been that person before. But if I sent someone a message asking "do you want to get together on Sunday?" and don't get a response, I might ask again but I'd typically assume no and move on as soon as I needed to. If they got back later I'd just explain that something else came up in the mean time.

In the end, a text is an invitation for a response, not an obligation to one.

 

[usagora]

A text doesn't mean I need to do something in return. You can't just tickle my devices and somehow obligate me to action.

Not getting back to someone who you've decided to make plans with is rude whether it's by text or carrier pigeon-- not that I haven't unintentionally been that person before.

In the end, a text is an invitation for a response, not an obligation to one.

To me, this is no different than saying, "Someone saying 'good morning' to me doesn't mean I need to say anything back." Well, yeah, there's no law against being an [insert expletive here], but then again, courtesy shouldn't need to be codified into law. I'm not talking about spam texts or things like that. Obviously it's not rude to ignore those because you have no relationship or connection to the sender.

 

[dmr727]

I'm wonder if

To me, this is no different than saying, "Someone saying 'good morning' to me doesn't mean I need to say anything back."

If someone says good morning to me, I'd assume that some sort of 'connection' - perhaps eye contact - was made first. I don't consider a text to be the same thing. Obviously there are relationships in my life (family, friends, etc) where I'll make myself available whenever possible (and there's even a hierarchy there!), but a text message in and of itself doesn't obligate me to jack squat.

This could possibly be an age thing, though. Now where's that .jpg of the old dude shaking his fist at clouds....

 

[StellarVixen]

Perhaps "please respond in a shortest amount of time possible" or something like that would work.

If it's not urgent, then they might as well take their sweet time to respond, I have no problem with that. You can signal that you do not like that practice by also taking long time to respond when they need you.

 

[Analog Kid]

To me, this is no different than saying, "Someone saying 'good morning' to me doesn't mean I need to say anything back." Well, yeah, there's no law against being an [insert expletive here], but then again, courtesy shouldn't need to be codified into law. I'm not talking about spam texts or things like that. Obviously it's not rude to ignore those because you have no relationship or connection to the sender.

I don’t give people my contact information to tether me to them...

 

[Analog Kid]

You can signal that you do not like that practice by also taking long time to respond when they need you.

The passive aggressive approach is probably not as clear as you think it might be. If you don't like it, say something when you speak to them and start to negotiate a shared set of expectations.

 

[usagora]

If someone says good morning to me, I'd assume that some sort of 'connection' - perhaps eye contact - was made first. I don't consider a text to be the same thing. Obviously there are relationships in my life (family, friends, etc) where I'll make myself available whenever possible (and there's even a hierarchy there!), but a text message in and of itself doesn't obligate me to jack squat.

This could possibly be an age thing, though. Now where's that .jpg of the old dude shaking his fist at clouds....

Don't overthink it. The point I'm making is that just because one is not legally obligated (or obligated by work policies, etc.) to respond doesn't mean failing to respond is not rude.

Perhaps "please respond in a shortest amount of time possible" or something like that would work.

If it's not urgent, then they might as well take their sweet time to respond, I have no problem with that. You can signal that you do not like that practice by also taking long time to respond when they need you.

Well, then that does sound demanding (like the other poster was assuming I was being), and I certainly wouldn't be hypocritical by doing the same thing to them. Responsible, grown adults shouldn't need to have to be told to reply in a timely manner.

I don’t give people my contact information to tether me to them...

Well then go be a hermit up in a mountain or something. In society, it's expected that you interact with people whom you have a relationship with (friends/family) and not ignore them 🙄

 

[whitby]

I tend to agree that expecting someone to respond within a certain period of time is unreasonable. I tend to force phone calls to voice mail (unless I am doing literally nothing) rather than answer as I resent the fact that a person is demanding my attention whatever I happen to be doing at the time. My attitude is that if it is important they will leave a voice mail and I can respond when I am ready. Texts are the same. If the text is a comment, there is no need for a response (maybe a Tapback with a thumbs up so say you have read it) but if it is requesting info that is pertinent to you then it is rude not to respond.

Interestingly we used to have the same attitude to email, in that we expected a response in a timely manner, but more and more people treat them like letters (old fashioned post) and can take weeks or months to respond if at all. BTW I noticed this was often a cultural thing. I am a Brit and naturalized US citizen and when mailing or texting family and friends in the UK, I used to be surprised how long it took them to respond, much longer than my US colleagues and friends. As we speed up the communications channels we expect people to be more responsive but we are expecting people to change and they are the one factor that has not changed irrespective of the communications media.

 

[Analog Kid]

Well then go be a hermit up in a mountain or something.

Why? There's a long stretch of space between no contact and constant contact.

In society, it's expected that you interact with people whom you have a relationship with (friends/family) and not ignore them 🙄

And my friends and family aren't so needy and insecure as to require my response to every musing... If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I'll wait until I do. I expect no different from them.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

A text doesn't mean I need to do something in return. You can't just tickle my devices and somehow obligate me to action.

Not getting back to someone who you've decided to make plans with is rude whether it's by text or carrier pigeon-- not that I haven't unintentionally been that person before. But if I sent someone a message asking "do you want to get together on Sunday?" and don't get a response, I might ask again but I'd typically assume no and move on as soon as I needed to. If they got back later I'd just explain that something else came up in the mean time.

In the end, a text is an invitation for a response, not an obligation to one.

@usagora: I have to say that @Analog Kid has expressed it well.

Yes, I am that person - I have responded to texts months - or, weeks - after they were sent; now, sometimes, in such cases, my interlocutors and I were both away for months on end, and we will send a text when we are in a common country.

In the case of weeks, (a recent case), my interlocutor was an academic snowed under with marking scripts; I knew she was busy - and I knew what my feelings would have been in similar circumstances - so, we each took weeks to return text messages; and that's fine.

Now, conversely, if someone doesn't respond to me - for a meeting, gathering, whatever, - I assume that they are not interested or not available for whatever reason - they don't owe me an explanation - and that is fine by me.

If it really is important (and as @dmr727 notes, yes there most certainly is a hierarchy of requests, or of people making them by text) - I will respond.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I make no such signals. I'm complaining about it here, but I don't make an issue about it with the "offenders" themselves.



Most people are busy. 5-10 seconds for at least a short acknowledgement is not exactly asking you to grind your day to a halt. Calling is much more intrusive--thus why texting exists. I wouldn't call unless it's an emergency. And as someone who calls people all day at work, many people don't answer or return voicemails anyway.



See above. Also, I made it pretty clear I'm not demanding an immediate response. 24 hours (give or take) in order to respond with something is an extremely reasonable expectation.



So you don't look at your missed notifications at some point after work? That's when you'd respond. Like I said, I totally understand that not everyone is going to be able to immediately reply, nor would I ever expect that.

I've been guilty of forgetting to reply to a text multiple times in the past, but I'm always very apologetic about it when I do respond, and this is not my habitual behavior. I'm complaining about people who do this literally all the time, not just once in a while. Big difference.

No, I don't always look at my missed notifications after work, and, if I do, I usually ignore them (unless it is urgent) for at least a day or two or more.

And, I certainly don't often immediately (as in the following 24 hours) respond; sometimes, a response requires thought and time.

These days, friends know that it can be difficult to get in touch with me, as I rarely respond rapidly (unless it's urgent; a friend preparing for an interview seeking support & advice will receive a very prompt response for example).

Now, sometimes that has meant that I have missed invitations to something; so be it.

Why? There's a long stretch of space between no contact and constant contact.

And my friends and family aren't so needy and insecure as to require my response to every musing... If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I'll wait until I do. I expect no different from them.

Exactly, and well said.

This is my position, too.

 

[usagora]

Why? There's a long stretch of space between no contact and constant contact.

And my friends and family aren't so needy and insecure as to need my response to every musing... If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I'll wait until I do. I expect no different from them.

I never said anything about "constant contact" or "every musing." Seems like you're totally misunderstanding what I'm talking about. I thought it was pretty obvious I'm talking about texts where answers/feedback are needed, not me just sending random thoughts to people or texting them all day every day. And as I stated in my OP, this even happens when the other person was the one who initiated the text conversation. I then reply with info that they will need to make a determination based on, then they just leave me hanging for days before replying again (or even never reply). And if you're too busy, then simply reply with something like "Give me a few days and I'll let you know what I decide!" or something so I know what to expect. Is that really that difficult? Come on. This is one of the biggest problems in society--people failing to communicate.

 

[usagora]

And, I certainly don't often immediately (as in the following 24 hours) respond; sometimes, a response requires thought and time.

As I've mentioned several times, if you know it's going to take you a long time to respond in full or definitively answer, that's when you simply reply with "Got it. Give me a couple days to think about it" etc. so the other person knows. That's simply common courtesy and literally takes like 5-10 seconds. No one is THAT busy that they can't do that. Don't just leave people with days of silence. It's rude.

 

[Herdfan]

I don’t give people my contact information to tether me to them...

My phone stays on Do Not Disturb 24/7.

If you are not in my Favorites, then you can leave a message.

 

[usagora]

I tend to agree that expecting someone to respond within a certain period of time is unreasonable. I tend to force phone calls to voice mail (unless I am doing literally nothing) rather than answer as I resent the fact that a person is demanding my attention whatever I happen to be doing at the time. My attitude is that if it is important they will leave a voice mail and I can respond when I am ready. Texts are the same. If the text is a comment, there is no need for a response (maybe a Tapback with a thumbs up so say you have read it) but if it is requesting info that is pertinent to you then it is rude not to respond.

I agree that phone calls are far more intrusive (though I certainly don't resent them unless it's a non-emergency and they keep calling and calling without leaving a voicemail or sending a text), which is why "why not just call them?" isn't an answer to my "problem" (nor does it change my point that it's rude to not respond to texts for days). And, yes, of course I'm not talking about texting comments like, "Wow, that was a beautiful sunrise this morning!" lol! I'm talking about texts about plans or information where feedback is needed.

Interestingly we used to have the same attitude to email, in that we expected a response in a timely manner, but more and more people treat them like letters (old fashioned post) and can take weeks or months to respond if at all.

This is also rude, imo, and I made a thread about that last year.

BTW I noticed this was often a cultural thing. I am a Brit and naturalized US citizen and when mailing or texting family and friends in the UK, I used to be surprised how long it took them to respond, much longer than my US colleagues and friends.

Well, I'm in the US and many here also take very long to respond (if they respond at all) as witnessed by my thread here, so I don't think it's a cultural thing, at least not one specific to Britain.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

As I've mentioned several times, if you know it's going to take you a long time to respond in full or definitively answer, that's when you simply reply with "Got it. Give me a couple days to think about it" etc. so the other person knows. That's simply common courtesy and literally takes like 5-10 seconds. No one is THAT busy that they can't do that. Don't just leave people with days of silence. It's rude.

No, it is your opinion that it is rude.

Your opinion. Not mine.

I have already said that an agreed etiquette for mobile (cell) phones and for social media use are only evolving and developing now; they are most certainly not agreed upon.

Why? There's a long stretch of space between no contact and constant contact.

And my friends and family aren't so needy and insecure as to require my response to every musing... If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I'll wait until I do. I expect no different from them.

Again, @Analog Kid expresses it well: People who revert with "did you get my message", or insist on replies within a given time frame, can come across as needy, and they are certainly demanding of my time and attention.

Both @dmr727 and @Analog Kid have made the - to me - very valid point about the assumption that a text message does not obligate you to do anything, and, this, too, is a position I hold.

Moreover, the point @dmr727 made about one's age may well also have relevance in this discussion; I am not a digital native, and I learnt to type on my mother's manual type-writer.