I sense a technological progression here...next up, annoyances or non-response problems with TikToks?
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Texting etiquette: people who take for-ev-er to respond (or never respond)
- Thread starter usagora
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Well, guess who's saying it? Me. So obviously it's my opinion.
I think it's widely agreed upon that keeping people hanging for days when information is needed or a decision needs to be made is rude, regardless of which medium is being used to communicate.
Disagreed. I don't think he understands what I'm even talking about (as I indicated earlier in my reply to him)
If it's someone you know who needs a response, then I think you are obligated by common courtesy to respond in a timely manner, even if it's simply "Please give me a few days to respond." 5-10 seconds out of your day. Is that really that taxing? LOL!
Well, I'm 39, so I wasn't exactly born in the age of smart phones and email either. I only mentioned "texts" here because that's the primary mode of communication for many nowadays (along with email). But my opinion on the rudeness of keeping people hanging applies to whatever mode of communication you want to use.
I mentioned that thread earlier. But I'm honored that you took the time to research my thread posting history 😉
As mentioned, regardless of the medium, it's rude to keep people hanging. The email thread was more about work/organization-related communication (longer than a text should be, imo, and also more attachments). This thread here is more about personal communication between friends and family.
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I wasn’t stalking you…I had a fuzzy recollection of participating in a thread similar to this one and searched my own posts.
My point is if you needed a response and you had not gotten one, why get stressed or annoyed and just call the person
I am both old school and just plain old. If you want me to use my phone, call me. If you want me to type, email me. If you think anything you want me to do concerns me, think again.
Text? Wow. Now that is an item …
Text, IM, email, call, video call …
Just on my iPhone - Messages, Telegram, Signal, WhatsApp, Teams, Discord, eMail (x4), Calls (x2), Video Calls (x3)
Between work, personal, other, spam, - I seldom have time to designate to any one object. Text messages will get a quick look and maybe, if I consider it really damn important, will get a reply. Most text messages I get are more in line with fyi items.
Irrespective of the mode of communication, like most I get that “why didn’t you reply …” or I wonder why I got no response. Some folk I have to try a couple of different ways to get them. For texts, I reply maybe to 1 in 10. Email is about 50/50 - gotta luv filters! There are too many avenues for communication vs the number of hour in a day. Calls and VM are the best bet, even if it takes a few hours.
Text, IM, email, call, video call …
Just on my iPhone - Messages, Telegram, Signal, WhatsApp, Teams, Discord, eMail (x4), Calls (x2), Video Calls (x3)
Between work, personal, other, spam, - I seldom have time to designate to any one object. Text messages will get a quick look and maybe, if I consider it really damn important, will get a reply. Most text messages I get are more in line with fyi items.
Irrespective of the mode of communication, like most I get that “why didn’t you reply …” or I wonder why I got no response. Some folk I have to try a couple of different ways to get them. For texts, I reply maybe to 1 in 10. Email is about 50/50 - gotta luv filters! There are too many avenues for communication vs the number of hour in a day. Calls and VM are the best bet, even if it takes a few hours.
Sometimes, not responding, or, choosing not to respond, (to a text) is the response.
You note who has sent the message, and to respond will invite further (time-consuming, tedious and tiring) responses, or where you will be expected to give explanations (I especially detest those pleas when you have already - politely declined to do something or go somewhere - for, a "no" is a complete answer in itself; unless it is a major crisis, you shouldn't be expected to explain or justify a choice or decision).
This is what I mean by a "hierarchy" of names which will determine the nature of the response (or non-response).
There are people I will respond to (friendship, kinship, and their own personality dictating this response); others, I wish them well, but engaging with them is exhausting; increasingly, I do not respond or reply, and that, too, is a response.
You note who has sent the message, and to respond will invite further (time-consuming, tedious and tiring) responses, or where you will be expected to give explanations (I especially detest those pleas when you have already - politely declined to do something or go somewhere - for, a "no" is a complete answer in itself; unless it is a major crisis, you shouldn't be expected to explain or justify a choice or decision).
This is what I mean by a "hierarchy" of names which will determine the nature of the response (or non-response).
There are people I will respond to (friendship, kinship, and their own personality dictating this response); others, I wish them well, but engaging with them is exhausting; increasingly, I do not respond or reply, and that, too, is a response.
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If I'm at the point where I'm having to call, then i'm already annoyed.
Ok then. I'm talking about people who aren't that way but simply are lacking in courtesy in this area or timely responses.
Ok, well I'm clearly not talking about those.
By the way, this is a terrific thread topic, and thanks for starting it, @usagora.
I hadn't realised that I felt this strongly about this topic.
I hadn't realised that I felt this strongly about this topic.
That's more of a you problem, if you would rather complain about it and not really deal resolving the problem, then that's totally on you. If it were me, and I didn't get a response in a timely manner, I'd call. A 30 second call, seems so much better then just sitting there stewing on why he/she has not responded.
Btw, I hate talking on the phone, and I avoid it like the plague but sometimes its just plain easier
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I don't think you're getting me. That (what I put in bold underline) means the annoyance has already occurred (failure to respond in a timely manner). I'd do the same thing (call) at that point, but that doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't have had to do that because someone else dropped the ball on communication. I don't call right off the bat because people are normally in the middle of work or something else, and that would be very intrusive to ask them to stop what they're doing instantly, thus the text. 24 hours is normally plenty of time to find time to reply to a text, even if it's just a short acknowledgement that indicates a full/definite reply will follow later. And checking texts is much more convenient than checking voicemails.
I'm glad I'm annoyed at lack of communication. If I weren't, that would mean that I'm one of the people cool with failing to communicate in a timely manner, and I wouldn't want to be that person.
The biggest offenders are my adult children and their ongoing foibles as they troll through the day while I toil away, so I have to leave the incessant group texts because I have to run my business. 3 of my kids laugh, the oldest one is pretty much the issue. But the rest of the fam actually jokes about it with me.
As said above by another poster, I didn't even realize I cared about this until the OP.
As said above by another poster, I didn't even realize I cared about this until the OP.
So what.
I shouldn't have to do a lot of things, but I do. That's call being an adult. Sure you're friend didn't get back to you, its not really the end of the world. If people are consistent about anything its our ability to disappoint others.
I mean life isn't all unicorns and rainbows. If someone doesn't get back to you, then deal with it, make a call, then move on.
Maybe because I grew up poor, or had to work 3 jobs just so I could pay rent, food and car payment. Facing larger struggles have put into perspective many things and one thing I try to do is not to sweat the small stuff. Texting is most definitely small stuff
Edit: I'm not trying to sound holier then thou, and believe me things get to me and annoy me as well. Just ask my wife, but what I'm trying to say is, texting seems to fall into that minor thing - at least it does for me.
Hopefully you find a level of balance and peace that reduces your stress but lets you accomplish what you're trying
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Thanks for the lecture, but I do deal with it. That doesn't mean it's acceptable for others to slack off on their adult responsibilities. What is so hard to grasp here? So no one should seek to improve in this area if communication because "life isn't all unicorns and rainbows"? We should just accept mediocrity? I'm wondering what you're doing here arguing with me if you're supposedly above this "small stuff" as you call it. Shouldn't you be spending time elsewhere? But I disagree that this is small stuff. Failure to communicate is a MAJOR issue in society.
Huh? Not sure what this has to do with my OP. I'm talking about 2 adults and a serious text conversation, not a group text of people acting goofy or whatever.
Interesting discussion here! A few days ago I sent an email to a friend (who like me, is retired, so isn't super-busy with work, a growing family, grandchildren or other obligations of that sort) and asked a question relating to something we'd discussed about a month or so ago. Haven't heard back yet. It has been several days now. (At least to me) it would be fairly quick and easy for the recipient to take a minute or two, maybe a couple more seconds beyond that, to at least either email or text, "hi, really busy right now, I'll write in more detail later...."
If I haven't heard from this friend by tomorrow, I will send off a text myself, see if a response eventually does result....
Yes, times have changed and heaven knows I am as guilty as many others when it comes to not being immediately responsive with emails. Texts from friends and family I usually do try to respond to fairly promptly; however, if I am out doing something or am at home but still in bed or in the shower, a response from me is just going to have to wait until I've seen the text and at that time have the opportunity to respond.
If I haven't heard from this friend by tomorrow, I will send off a text myself, see if a response eventually does result....
Yes, times have changed and heaven knows I am as guilty as many others when it comes to not being immediately responsive with emails. Texts from friends and family I usually do try to respond to fairly promptly; however, if I am out doing something or am at home but still in bed or in the shower, a response from me is just going to have to wait until I've seen the text and at that time have the opportunity to respond.
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Sometimes what may seem important to us just does not hold that same significance to others. It is fairly arrogant in my opinion, to set your expectations on others, most especially me. Ha.
Simply not true here, as many times it is they who initiated the plans but then fail to communicate in a timely manner. I've noticed in general many well-meaning people are very disorganized in their life, including this area (communication).
Yes. And like I said, I'm really only complaining about people who are slow to respond on a consistent basis. I myself am guilty of forgetting to reply in a timely manner every now and then, but I apologize to them about that when I do respond and strive to not do that again; I don't shrug my shoulders and say "no big deal" like many here apparently do. Maybe it's that I grew up in a military family and went to stricter schools that this sense of responsibility was instilled in me. I'm certainly thankful for it!
If - let us take this as a hypothetical situation - we were (not) communicating, and I was already aware (from previous encounters), in other words, I knew that you would be annoyed by my tardy response, or my non response - this would encourage me even more than ever not to respond.
Who needs to have to deal with - navigate, negotiate - these expressions of annoyance in their lives?
This takes time, energy, effort.
Some of us would prefer to forego any communication whatsoever - when we see who the text is from - than have to deal with what we know is going require an effort.
Bottom line: I value my time, and dealing with individuals - not friends, just acquaintances with whom I get on - whom I know to be needy, or demanding of my emotional energy, or my time, or my attention, or dealing with their annoyance, their emotions, dealing with this drama - is more than the relationship - that is, that particular relationship - is worth.
These are your definitions of how to behave in this situation, but they are not mine.
"Slack off?"
That is a judgment; and while one can reasonably expect such judgments in the world of work, - where contracts apply, where the relationship is based on an exchange of labour/skills for a salary, where hierarchies exist, and one will accept (however reluctantly) the right of others - such as superiors, or a boss, to sit in judgement on your performance, this does not apply in a personal relationship, either friends or family, because one assumes (mutual) consent and some degree of reciprocity.
Actually, personally, I would regard it as controlling, offensive and judgmental to take that tone - especially about such a relatively minor matter - into a personal relationship.
You are arrogating to yourself the right to define "the terms of engagement" of how - or, rather, when - someone should respond to a text message - but it is clear from the thread that these particular terms of engagement are not agreed by all parties.
Thus, you can determine your reactions and responses, but you do not have the right to demand - or stipulate - how others should behave or conduct themselves in this situation, and then find fault with them when they fail to abide by (they ahven't agreed to abide by) your standards.
You can set your own expectations; you cannot expect others to meet them, not in the context of a personal relationship, not unless such conditions have been agreed to in advance (and I, for one, would not agree to such conditions in the contxt of a personal relationship).
Exactly.
Bravo, and well said.
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I kinda experience this in 2 dimensions. Work emails, texts, calls, I generally get and expect timely responses. Personal life I feel like that really depends on the level of importance, urgency, you're level of importance to the person of contact and typical subjects of communication that you might be sending all determine how they'll respond to you in a timely fashion. And in those instances I tend to learn their general behavior characteristics when it comes to communication and adjust accordingly. Because like most people are saying we don't revolve around each other's lives. Significant Other I can see where that would be more pertinent. But everyone else including siblings, parents. I put into the category of you work around their and your own response behavior. Because that's life. And depending on the urgency and critical or lack there of nature of the reason for contact I will escalate the type of contact as it fits.
I can see the OP point. One question though; was the timely communication expectation set up front?
I do have a few contacts that I absolutely need a reply soonest. Never more than a day out. If the method I use doesn’t result in a reply, I will call. Just a rule I set up for myself. No getting annoyed or upset.
Sent IM on Monday.
Rule 1: no response by Tuesday afternoon > call at min leave a VM.
I do have a few contacts that I absolutely need a reply soonest. Never more than a day out. If the method I use doesn’t result in a reply, I will call. Just a rule I set up for myself. No getting annoyed or upset.
Sent IM on Monday.
Rule 1: no response by Tuesday afternoon > call at min leave a VM.
As I've already stated, I never complain about this to these "offenders" directly, so that hypothetical situation never would come into play. However, it does say a lot about you that that's how you'd treat a friend or family member--with spite.
Correct. I can only state my opinion, not yours. We've been through this before I'm not sure what the point of continuing to say this is. Are you concered that people think I'm somehow speaking for you? I don't get it.
Yes, it is. And I stand by it.
Once again, I don't "take that tone" with the people in question. I'll complain about it to others (those who, like me, understand the importance of timely communication), but I don't want it to come between me and a friend or family member, and they'll most likely simply get defensive anyway and not change (witness most of the replies in this thread). They have to come to terms with that on their own.
My whole point is this should be something that is understood. Mature, grown adults should not have to be reminded that they should respond to somebody when they talk to you.
Go read my reply to them. They were incorrect.
As I replied to Skepticalscribe, this (bold/underline above) should go without saying. To me, it would come across as curt, demanding, and condescending to constantly state a reply deadline in interpersonal, non-work-related communication between two friends or family members, which is the only situation I've been talking about this whole time. It's so refreshing to text with friends/family that do communicate in a timely manner. With those people, I don't have to keep setting reminders to follow up with them because I know they'll show me the courtesy of a timely reply.
Exactly this.
Texting is considered informal by most people thus low priority. If you have important conversations they should happen in person or by voice over the phone. By sending something to me in an informal and unimportant format you shouldn't be upset when I don't immediately treat it as priority. The sender set the priority of the conversation by using text. I'm not being rude or even attempting to be rude.
Also I might look at the text, that means it shows up as "read" so no longer highlighted, then realize later I didn't answer back.
Bottom line is if it's important where you need an answer right away call and if there's no answer leave a voicemail. That to me means it's important and I will give it my attention.