What’s on your mind?

[Scepticalscribe]

Trying not to think about situation with siblings and our wonderful, awesome and sick elderly mom. My hat goes off to all the caretakers here.

Indeed.

I think I know what you mean.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Poor customer service is on my mind! New iPhone not connecting to iTunes to restore. Live chat bot just disconnects after they run out of ideas.
Not a happy AFB this morning!

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Poor customer service is on my mind! New iPhone not connecting to iTunes to restore. Live chat bot just disconnects after they run out of ideas.
Not a happy AFB this morning!

I had long wondered about that "live chat" thing, but have never tried it; so, it is a bot, not a human?

Grrr.

 

[Apple fanboy]

I had long wondered about that "live chat" thing, but have never tried it; so, it is a bot, not a human?

Grrr.

I suspect a mixture! Bot if there are answers it can work out, human if more complex. Thats my guess. Anyway getting somewhere I think now. Just waiting for another slider to complete!

 

[kazmac]

Poor customer service is on my mind! New iPhone not connecting to iTunes to restore. Live chat bot just disconnects after they run out of ideas.
Not a happy AFB this morning!

This is sadly not uncommon (I saw mention of it in the iPhones forum here). I can give you some consolation though, I am pretty sure it is iTunes, as the latest version of iTunes refused to recognize my 2018 iPad when I hooked it up to my iMac last night. That had not happened prior to this, so I just rolled my eyes and kept on it, until iTunes DID recognize it.

If it happens again, Apple are getting a call.


@Scepticalscribe - eldest sis is hinting she wants me to take over nearly every aspect of mom’s care, which, after my near death experience (not kidding) with sepsis & double pneumonia in July and subsequent gradual recovery, is ridiculous to put it mildly. I adore my mom and have been dealing with her mounting issues for five years (I live with her), this sis wants to run away after four months because she gave up all of her time off this year for mom, and to a much lesser extent, me. No instant fix, sis wants out.

So, another episode of As the Stomach Turns (though I joke, that was actually the case with me ).

Just trying to stay positive and get my strength up.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I suspect a mixture! Bot if there are answers it can work out, human if more complex. Thats my guess. Anyway getting somewhere I think now. Just waiting for another slider to complete!

No, not a fan of chatting to bots -"live chat" indeed; I hate those automated answers re banks and outfits such as the FT - "press one for.." and so on. It takes about five or six twists and turns in that labyrinth before one arrives at "an operator" who then has to find someone qualified to deal with your query.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Sorted now. I was asked to roll back to an older iTunes link they sent which fixed the issue. No wonder only 50% of people found the apple.com article useful!

 

[kazmac]

@Apple fanboy - glad to hear.

 

[Apple fanboy]

@Apple fanboy - glad to hear.

I thought I showed great patience waiting until this morning as I was shattered yesterday. Only to be denied by a software glitch. Apple are not as slick as they used to be, but at least they get you there in the end.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I thought I showed great patience waiting until this morning as I was shattered yesterday. Only to be denied by a software glitch. Apple are not as slick as they used to be, but at least they get you there in the end.

This is sadly not uncommon (I saw mention of it in the iPhones forum here). I can give you some consolation though, I am pretty sure it is iTunes, as the latest version of iTunes refused to recognize my 2018 iPad when I hooked it up to my iMac last night. That had not happened prior to this, so I just rolled my eyes and kept on it, until iTunes DID recognize it.

If it happens again, Apple are getting a call.

Apple - alas - are nothing like as seamless as they used to be on such stuff; I remember how amazed I was with how iTunes used to work - even on my old Toshiba computer, before I switched to Apple a little over a decade ago.

Now, frankly, iTunes - and switching - is a complete pain wherever you want to locate such pain. And it is nothing like seamless - instead, it is pure torture.

@Scepticalscribe - eldest sis is hinting she wants me to take over nearly every aspect of mom’s care, which, after my near death experience (not kidding) with sepsis & double pneumonia in July and subsequent gradual recovery, is ridiculous to put it mildly. I adore my mom and have been dealing with her mounting issues for five years (I live with her), this sis wants to run away after four months because she gave up all of her time off this year for mom, and to a much lesser extent, me. No instant fix, sis wants out.

So, another episode of As the Stomach Turns (though I joke, that was actually the case with me ).

Just trying to stay positive and get my strength up.

I will reply at greater length later.

Suffice to say that nothing puts sibling relationships (and candidly, other relationships, too) under the sort of sustained stress and strain as does the (challenge? burden? responsibility?) of caring for parents or family elders (who will not ever recover - so the hope that sustains one during "normal" periods of ill health does not apply in this instance) over a long period of time.

Some relationships may never recover from that.

 

[kazmac]

Apple has been really trying my patience lately, yet I am still an Apple user. I miss when everything just worked and you couldn’t wait to use it.

@Scepticalscribe It is funny with my sisters and me. I am now closer to the middle sister and finding it hard to communicate and relate to the eldest. That was flipped when we were kids. I do hope our relationship (eldest and I) doesn’t tank completely, but she’s acting like a body part I’d rather not mention. Anyway, resetting my attitude to think positive for mom and I. Your commentary is appreciated. Thanks.

Thankfully, more vapid thoughts are on my mind now: craving good fast food fried chicken, fries and perhaps a shake. Only a Wendy’s near here, so that is nearly a wash. I can make banana chocolate “ice cream” though, so maybe I will try to in our vitamix later. Will have to delay my craving, as it is early.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Apple has been really trying my patience lately, yet I am still an Apple user.

@Scepticalscribe It is funny with my sisters and me. I am now closer to the middle sister and finding it hard to communicate and relate to the eldest. That was flipped when we were kids. I do hope our relationship (eldest and I) doesn’t tank completely, but she’s acting like a body part I’d rather not mention.

Thankfully, more vapid thoughts are on my mind now: craving good fast food fried chicken, fries and perhaps a shake. Only a Wendy’s near here, so that is nearly a wash. I can make banana chocolate “ice cream” though, so maybe I will try to in our vitamix later. Will have to delay my craving, as it is early.

Sounds like eldest sister feels over-loaded, and now wants to run for the hills and have someone else take responsibility for caring for your mother. She does have the right to take time solely for herself, without having to justify it.

However, abdication of responsibility on the part of siblings - which, in the early stages is a sort of denial - comes with the territory.

The other side of that is that - while that stage of denial exists - they will not want to know what is going on, only that things are being taken care of, which means that they may not wish to hear problems. Certainly, I had this experience - which put considerable strain on the relationship - in the early days (and months) after my mother's dementia has been diagnosed.

The upshot of this is that you receive very little support, at a time when you yourself are still in shock and could really do with it, but each person copes with this sort of stress in their own way.

But that misses that this sort of caring is not just the physical side of things (I made clear that I was neither capable nor willing to do that), but the endless, relentless, responsibility for the life of someone else, someone, moreover, who was once the lodestar around whom your own life revolved.

With parents, this is the first huge dislocating shock - someone who ruled your life, and whose goodwill and approbation and approval you lived for, and whose support and advice was always there - a constant given in your life - now looks to you for these things.

And looks to you - inverting completely the stability and the very basis of the old parent child relationship - to take control of, and responsibility for, her life.

And - worse - you cannot be objective here, for your own emotions are very intimately involved, as well, in all of this, because seeing the inevitable deterioration of someone who is deeply loved is very upsetting.

So, it is not just that the "family unit" that defined you and gave birth to you is inverted, and turned upside-down - and that alone is shockingly stressful and hugely unsettling - for the old reliable roles you have inhabited since birth in that context all of your life (you the daughter, she the mother, and also the referee in family disputes whose authority is not really questioned) have now been permanently transformed and altered, which means that you are no longer a daughter in the classic sense, you have, in a way, become the mother.

This can be very unsettling and upsetting; the fact that - at times - my mother thinks that I am her mother amuses and appalls me in equal measure, a characteristic response where hilarity and heartbreak are intimately intertwined.

To try to get your head around this is traumatic.

This also means that relationships between siblings are also subject to sudden and dramatic change, as the old hierarchies are altered beyond all recognition, and the old family unit is therefore - to some extent - dissolved or dissolving.

This is on top of the responsibility for the physical stuff - making sure your parent is fed, watered, washed, taking meds, safe, warm, secure, and to that, is also added to the awesome responsibility for actually running someone's else's life (bank accounts, bills, - as this morning, having the downstairs loo repaired - plus the exhausting 'emotional labour' stuff as well).

And that is not taking into account any of your own needs, physical, personal, professional, psychological, as well.

When my mum was first diagnosed, six years ago, people (some of her more silly if well-meaning relatives, some of her friends) would phone or call in person, asking (as she has Alzheimers) "will she know me?"

Whereas I used to try to be diplomatic, now, I am blunt, - she doesn't know anyone, and hasn't for ages, their expectation of a warm welcome and endless attention (which they used to get from my mother who was a great listener and gave sage and supportive advice and wise and sympathetic counsel) will be dashed. For my part, in recent years, I have become very brusque with some of these people, - my capacity for small talk has really diminished - some of whom are surprisingly needy, "oh, it's terrible; oh, I am so upset".

If they come to see my mother, - or come to congratulate themselves because they have come to see my mother - let them see her, sit with her, and chat to her, and not bother me with the minutiae of their lives which I have neither time nor tolerance for, let alone patience.

It is not my job to manage the emotional distress of others - I have far too much on my own plate; in truth, she doesn't know any of us, (except that we matter to her), she loves visitors (I got beams, hugs, waves, and huge smiles today) and I am damned if I have the emotional reserves to deal with the upset of others.

So, my advice to you is to set boundaries, emotional, physical, psychological for yourself and police them ruthlessly. You have needs too, and the right to articulate them.

I think relationships with siblings will come under huge strain - they cannot but do so as you negotiate such drastic and traumatic changes, both in your relationships with your mother and in your altered relationships with one another.

Fresh frameworks - because the old family framework may - nay, will - dissolve, or be transformed beyond all recognition, - may evolve, or be navigated or negotiated (that took years) or the relationship may collapse entirely.

They may have significant others who will take priority, or may choose to abdicate entirely.

However, if they do choose to abdicate, they do not have a right to sit in judgment on the quality of care provided by those who are mainly, or solely, shouldering this responsibility.

 

[kazmac]

Sounds like eldest sister feels over-loaded, and now wants to run for the hills and have someone else take responsibility for caring for your mother. She does have the right to take time solely for herself, without having to justify it.

However, abdication of responsibility on the part of siblings - which, in the early stages is a sort of denial - comes with the territory. The other side of that is that - while that stage of denial exists - they will not want to know what is going on, only that things are being taken care of.

But that misses that this sort of caring is not just the physical side of things (I made clear that I was neither capable nor willing to do that), but the endless, relentless, responsibility for the life of someone else, someone, moreover, who was once the lodestar around whom your own life revolved.

With parents, this is the first huge dislocating shock - someone who rued your life, and whose goodwill and approbation and approval you lived for and whose support and advice was always there - a constant given in your life - now looks to you for these things.

And looks to you - inverting completely the old parent child relationship - to take control of, and responsibility for, her life.

And your own emotions re very intimately involved, as well in all of this, seeing the inevitable deterioration of someone who is loved is very upsetting.

So, it is not just that the "family unit" that defined you and gave birth to you is inverted, and turned upside-down - and that alone is shockingly stressful and hugely unsettling - for the old reliable roles you have inhabited since birth in that context all of your life (you the daughter, she the mother, and also the referee in family disputes whose authority is not really questioned) have now been permanently transformed and altered, which means that you are no longer a daughter in the classic sense, you have, in a way, become the mother.

This can be very unsettling and upsetting; the fact that - at times - my mother thinks that I am her mother amuses and appalls me in equal measure, a characteristic response where hilarity and heartbreak are intimately intertwined.

To try to get your head around this is traumatic.

This also means that relationships within siblings are also subject to sudden and dramatic change, as the old hierarchies are altered beyond all recognition, and the old family unit is therefore - to some extent - dissolved or dissolving.

This is on top of the responsibility for the physical stuff - making sure your parent is fed, watered, washed, taking meds, safe, warm, secure, and to that, is also added to the awesome responsibility for actually running someone's else's life (bank accounts, bills, - as this morning, having the downstairs loo repaired - plus the exhausting 'emotional labour' stuff as well).

And that is not taking into account any of your own needs, physical, personal, professional, psychological, as well.

When my mum was first diagnosed, six years ago, people (some of her more silly if well-meaning relatives, some of her friends) would phone or call in person, asking (as she has Alzheimers) "will she know me?"

Whereas I used to try to be diplomatic, now, I am blunt, - she doesn't know anyone, and hasn't for ages, their expectation of a warm welcome and endless attention (which they used to get from my mother who was a great listener and gave sage and supportive advice) will be dashed. For my part, in recent years, I have become very brusque with some of these people, - my capacity for small talk has really diminished - some of whom are surprisingly needy, "oh, it's terrible; oh, I am so upset".

If they come to see my mother, - or come to congratulate themselves because they have come to see my mother - let them see her, sit with her, and chat to her, and not bother me with the minutiae of their lives which I have neither time nor tolerance for, let alone patience.

It is not my job to manage the emotional distress of others - I have far too much on my own plate; in truth, she doesn't know any of us, (except that we matter to her), she loves visitors (I got beams, hugs, waves, and huge smiles today) and I am damned if I have the emotional reserves to deal with the upset of others.

So, my advice to you is to set boundaries, emotional, physical, psychological for yourself and police them ruthlessly. You have needs too, and the right to articulate them.

I think relationships with siblings will come under huge strain - they cannot but do so as you negotiate such drastic and traumatic changes, both in your relationships with your mother and in your altered relationships with one another.

Fresh frameworks - because the old family framework may - nay, will - dissolve, or be transformed beyond all recognition, - may evolve, or be navigated or negotiated (that took years) or the relationship may collapse entirely.

They may have significant others who will take priority, or may choose to abdicate entirely.

However, if they do choose to abdicate, they do not have a right to sit in judgment on the quality of care provided by those who are mainly, or solely, shouldering this responsibility.

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry you have to try remain stoic while assisting a parent who doesn’t know you anymore, and the responsibilities sound massive and grueling. It is amazing that we learn to adapt to these situations and role reversals or not. It is heartbreaking.

I get the frustration with needy relatives and friends. Mom was a nutrition consultant-de facto psychiatrist for many needy, emotionally distraught people and I cannot stand fielding calls from them. Her close friends are a different story, but the peripheral clients are an unnecessary stress. Hugs to you for everything you are doing and trying to keep the peace.

I am more than happy to help mom in every way I can. I’ll refrain from discussing sis as it is more than overload, which I respect. I half joked with mom that I will probably have to save this sister’s tail at some point.

Thank you for sharing and venting. I hope you have a little time to yourself this weekend.

I’ll end these thoughts with I hope everyone here has a nice Saturday.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Parents getting older plays on my mind also from time to time.
My parents are both in their 70’s and relatively healthy.
My dads wife is a horrible woman, so I’m not welcome at their house at all. I do speak to him 2-3 times a week.

My mum has had a massive fallout with my sister so they are no longer speaking.
They all live in Essex a good few hours away.
But my mum is looking to move to Norwich to release some equity so they can have a more comfortable retirement.

But I also wonder what will happen to me when I’m too old to look after myself. My daughter is unlikely to be involved. Hopefully I go out before then if you know what I mean.
[doublepost=1537621308][/doublepost]

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry you have to try remain stoic while assisting a parent who doesn’t know you anymore, and the responsibilities sound massive and grueling. It is amazing that we learn to adapt to these situations and role reversals or not. It is heartbreaking.

I get the frustration with needy relatives and friends. Mom was a nutrition consultant-de facto psychiatrist for many needy, emotionally distraught people and I cannot stand fielding calls from them. Her close friends are a different story, but the peripheral clients are an unnecessary stress. Hugs to you for everything you are doing and trying to keep the peace.

I am more than happy to help mom in every way I can. I’ll refrain from discussing sis as it is more than overload, which I respect. I half joked with mom that I will probably have to save this sister’s tail at some point.

Thank you for sharing and venting. I hope you have a little time to yourself this weekend.

I’ll end these thoughts with I hope everyone here has a nice Saturday.

Enjoy your weekend as well. Hope the family stuff resolved itself.

 

[Mefisto]

But I also wonder what will happen to me when I’m too old to look after myself. My daughter is unlikely to be involved. Hopefully I go out before then if you know what I mean.

This is something I find myself thinking about from time to time, as well. I have no children, and no immediate plans to change that either, so I wonder what will happen when the time comes that I can't get by by myself anymore. Time will tell, I guess. Good thing that all of that is currently something for future-me to think about.

Regarding aging parents, that's also been on my mind lately. Both of mine are in their late seventies, but in pretty good health and spirits so there's no immediate grounds for concern. Still, they're not getting any younger, and as I get older I've found myself enjoying spending time with them more and more, maybe in the process making up for sometimes being an a**hole while growing up. Not saying it's too late now, but in a way I'm ashamed of how long it took for me to really appreciate the parents I've had- Then again I don't think this is really all that uncommon.

Lucky for me, they're the patient kind. At least when it comes to their (once upon a time) no good son.

 

[Gutwrench]

On Friday I ordered a bundled package containing a printer and an extra toner cartridge for guaranteed Saturday delivery. Yay!

Then a minute later I received an order update saying they split the order so one item arrives today and the other tomorrow.

Yep, just my luck my toner is ‘out for delivery’. I’m so excited.

 

[Lioness~]

Re family, parents and death....
Mom died when I was 10. Not fun at all.
But the positive thing from it, I had to grow up, and become a responsible 'woman', very early.
She was very resourcefull so my economy was secured.

Fortunately dad was man enough to marry a much younger woman to take care of him until his and my brother’s death. They died same yr some time ago. I had enough problems with him, so glad I didn’t had to care for him in his aging.
He was a mindless healthy strong bastard until almost the end. The opposite of Mom, immensely brilliant and gracious, and died young of cancer.
We all have to grieve the loss of our parents, siblings and those close to us, and embrace the growth that is in it, differently. We even have to embrace our own death, mortality and all that comes with it.
No escape there. Even If I had a profound NDE as young that may change how I process things. My departure from this dimension and this body for sure will come, one day

 

[Gutwrench]

He was a mindless healthy strong bastard until almost the end. The opposite of Mom, immensely brilliant and gracious, and died young of cancer.

My story is kind of the same one. Mom was a pure angel and loved by the community. Dad, he was her strongly marked antithesis...a horror of a human being.

My departure from this dimension and this body for sure will come, one day.

I think I’ve lived a life so that when that time comes I’ll go without fear or filled with argument. (Thanks to Mary Oliver’s advice.) I’m enrolled in the whole body donation program at the University of Minnesota medical school.

 

[Apple fanboy]

In the unlikely event I outlive Mrs AFB, they’ll probably just find me in the house weeks or months after I’ve passed!
What a lovely thought!

 

[Mefisto]

In the unlikely event I outlive Mrs AFB, they’ll probably just find me in the house weeks or months after I’ve passed!
What a lovely thought!

Not to be too morbid, but this would be my scenario of choice, should I actually get to make one when the time comes. I would much rather succumb to whatever it is that's going to be the end of me in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to a bed in a hospital.

That being said, let's just try to live life to the fullest while we're all still here, shall we?

 

[Apple fanboy]

Not to be too morbid, but this would be my scenario of choice, should I actually get to make one when the time comes. I would much rather succumb to whatever it is that's going to be the end of me in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to a bed in a hospital.

That being said, let's just try to live life to the fullest while we're all still here, shall we?

Sounds like a plan.

I’m currently playing with y new iPhone XS max and getting used to no home button. Face ID seems pretty flawless.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Not to be too morbid, but this would be my scenario of choice, should I actually get to make one when the time comes. I would much rather succumb to whatever it is that's going to be the end of me in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to a bed in a hospital.

That being said, let's just try to live life to the fullest while we're all still here, shall we?

Agreed. It would be mine, too.

Candidly, I'd far prefer to be in my own home, in full possession of my mental faculties, in such circumstances.

However, I am very glad that from my mid twenties, I enjoyed an excellent relationship with both parents - after all of the usual adolescent nonsense had diffused and I had come to realise how marvellous they were.

 

[Lioness~]

In the unlikely event I outlive Mrs AFB, they’ll probably just find me in the house weeks or months after I’ve passed!
What a lovely thought!

My aunt was found that way, but actually with some help of some sleeping pills. I don't blame her. She did her best for years after she lost her husband. He was a Captain of a quite big ship that went down in a Caribbean storm. She was a mess for yrs.
Some gets lost in their grief. But as I said, I don't blame them.

Not to be too morbid, but this would be my scenario of choice, should I actually get to make one when the time comes. I would much rather succumb to whatever it is that's going to be the end of me in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to a bed in a hospital.

That being said, let's just try to live life to the fullest while we're all still here, shall we?

I don't think it's morbid to discuss death. I think our lives benefit a lot of its discussion. To have processed and grasped that event, will improve life quality in my perspective as nothing to avoid talking about. Fear of death, is really just another angle of fearing to live fully and deeply.

 

[BigMcGuire]

I thought there might be some value in a general topic-less thread to share random thoughts, ideas, and personal news that aren’t otherwise thread-worthy.

So, within compliance of applicable federal laws, regulations, and Community Discussion rules: what’s on your mind?
[doublepost=1536426505][/doublepost]Yesterday I attended a Naturalization Ceremony for forty-one American citizens.

In 1776 the population of America was roughly 2,500,000.
Today its 325,700,000 and 41.

This is the second ceremony I’ve attended. Both were moving. I was a bit disappointed with yesterday’s speakers but it was a pleasure being in attendance to honor these new citizens.

I had the privilege of going to my wife's naturalization ceremony in Downtown LA. That was amazing to see tens of thousands of people become US Citizens, all happy, waving US Flags, excited as heck. 2 years ago January 2016. We did a fiancee visa in 2011 that took over a year (she is from Peru) and much $$$.

My View at the time: (Google Link: https://photos.app.goo.gl/SUZsb8rBoCQbatkc8 )

 

[Mefisto]

I don't think it's morbid to discuss death. I think our lives benefit a lot of its discussion. To have processed and grasped that event, will improve life quality in my perspective as nothing to avoid talking about. Fear of death, is really just another angle of fearing to live fully and deeply.

100% agreed.

Still, this being the internet and you really never know who you're talking to, what they're going / have gone through, how they view certain things etc. May be I just like little disclaimers like that a tad too much, who knows.